Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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