I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
