Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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