There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
