I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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