There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
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Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
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I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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