I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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