I puked a lego.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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