I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
