I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.