Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
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new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".