I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
