don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
