I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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