I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
