your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You can't just leave with hair like that
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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