this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
