I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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