i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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