Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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