We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
