meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
