I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
