Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
