Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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