I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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