Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
