Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
