he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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