he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
