I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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