Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
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Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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