but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
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His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
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Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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