I want to have your abortion
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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