I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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