just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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