I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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