Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
