I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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