I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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