Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
