Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
