Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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