Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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