Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
