How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
