Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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