Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i will never coherently bang her
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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