Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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