Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
