I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
