Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
