Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
