I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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