I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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