I met the friendliest cop last night
People in love make me want to vomit
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
