Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
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There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
why is half of my head shaved?
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