my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
