I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
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you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
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I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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