It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
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I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize